Curiosity Over Criticism

It’s my opinion, but it’s absolutely true.
– sign seen somewhere

What is the opposite of judgment? Does being non-judgmental mean having no opinion? I’ve always struggled with that, because the more I care about someone, the more I have opinions about their life, to the point where it seems like the options are either to judge or to not care.

But the truth is, judgment is not the same as observation or evaluation. What happens functionally in a relationship is a process that goes something like this: first, there is an observation. I notice someone’s behavior, hear someone’s thoughts, or see a choice they make. Secondly, there is an evaluation. I make an assessment or interpretation of some kind about what I observe. I may discern whether it complies with a rule, or interpret what it means about someone’s motives or situation. Lastly, there is a judgment. Judgment happens when I apply a strong value statement to that evaluation.

An observation would be, “that person turned in their homework late.” An evaluation would be, “that is against the teacher’s rules and not best for their learning.” A judgment would be, “they are a bad or lazy person.” The process is a spectrum: observations are always objective, neutral, and open; the more we move through evaluation into judgment, the more we begin to be subjective and closed.

The opposite of judgment is not lack of opinion. We don’t avoid judgment simply by throwing the whole spectrum out, by becoming people who discern less. We avoid judgment by becoming people who discern more, but in the right way. The opposite of judgment is to move back towards the other side of the spectrum through curiosity.

Curiosity is simply the desire to learn more. Its aim is to gather more information, to pay more attention. By definition, curiosity is open; it assumes there is more to be known. Curiosity acknowledges that we often leap from observation to judgment with lightning-quick speed—we may do so out of sheer habit, out of personal bias, out of laziness, out of pride. Whatever the reason, curiosity seeks to arrest that process, because when we go too fast, it is easier to arrive at false assumptions. 

Curiosity asks questions; judgments jump to statements. Curiosity involves listening; judgments involve telling. Curiosity leads to cycles of more learning; the stronger we feel about our judgments, the more immovable they become. Curiosity builds relationships; judgment destroys them. Curiosity involves being present; judgment is often rooted in past experiences. Curiosity is committed to growth; judgment is committed to outcomes or being right. Curiosity involves seeking to understand the experience of another; judgment sees the situation through the lens of our own experience.

How do we become more curious? We check judgmental thoughts and instead ask more questions. One resource I found gave these examples:

• Judgmental thought: They are a bad person for doing that.

  Curious thoughts: I wonder why they did that? Was that the first time it happened or one of many? Have I ever acted that way? What circumstances might lead someone to act like that?
  

•  Judgmental thought: I’m terrible at sports.

  Curious thoughts: I wonder why I think I’m terrible at sports? Where does this come from? Maybe I should try a different sport? Which sports have I enjoyed playing, regardless of how I performed?

Here’s the question in the end: do I really want to understand this person? Do I really desire to love them for who they are? Or do I just want them to be who I want them to be, or do what I want them to do? It is easier to dismiss someone’s behavior than to do the work of listening to and learning about their experience. It is easier to think you know what’s best for someone, than to listen and learn more about what that may be for them. 

So often, I’ve found that the easiest way to overcome my judgment of someone is to spend the time and effort to get to know them better—this is true whether the person is a relative stranger, or someone I live with every day. I am often amazed, surprised, or challenged by what I learn. I may still arrive at the same evaluation of their behavior or decision: but I find that I hold that assessment with more gentleness, humility, and love than I did before. Sometimes my evaluation shifts or changes altogether. And no matter what the outcome may be, I find we have grown closer in the process.